Getting to Gateway

The clock is ticking down 'til Gateway, and along with the sense of impending doom, comes the the sense of hopeful expectation. Neither I nor my family have much money to draw from, but this urban plunge program in Philadelphia, run by InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, is requiring just about all I do and don't have by way of monetary resources.

This process is and has become painful in other ways. I can stand to part with money. It is something that comes and goes. I do not have a relationship with it, and I do not love it, as it does not love me. My family however, is a different story. No one wants me to spend the six weeks in Philadelphia this program requires. "There are people here you can help. You have three little cousins who could use your help. They miss you." Unspoken by their father, I'm assuming, is "I miss you." "You could spend your summer earning money. You can volunteer here and join a Bible Study group." My mother does say that she does not want me to leave not just everyone else, but her. She is right when she says that we hardly ever see each other now that I'm in college. This is my summer break. I should be spending it with family.

Deliberating over this process, two verses keep coming to mind. "Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?...Anyone who does God's will is my brother and sister and mother."(Mark 3:33-35, NLT)
"If you want to be my disciple you must hate everyone else by comparison--your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even your own life." (Luke 14:26 NLT)
These are tough words to swallow when you are called to actually follow them. I am very close to my mother, and I love all of my cousins dearly. As the eldest of my generation, they look up to me and count on me as support in many ways. My leaving, and then spending money to leave when we are all so poor, looks like abandonment to everyone. No one can see the good in it. It was hard for me to see it as well.

As I looked over the application process for this program, I began to realize that I needed help. I talk about reconciliation as something that is important, but it is something that I have been struggling to actually do. As an Afro-Latina, I've experienced prejudice and racism both in America and Honduras. Bottom line, it sucks and forgiveness is difficult. At Gateway, I'm going to have to face that. Racial reconciliation and social justice are the names of the game, and I'm warming up to get in. This is more than me helping the community. This is the community helping me as well. I will be living, cooking, eating, sleeping, talking, worshiping, working, and doing all manner of things with new people, and I'm excited to see the way God works in our lives.

I remember thinking yesterday, that it is easy to fall into the "me better, help you lesser" mentality when doing any type of missions work. Being from the background that I am from, I am firmly entrenched in the "me lesser" mentality. Gateway isn't going to the least of these as someone better. It is going back to the least of these as one of them. I feel so self-conscious around people who have happier backgrounds. There is almost an expectancy of affluency once one reaches the college level. I do not have it, and it sometimes makes interactions with friends awkward and uncomfortable. I make judgment calls as well, so it's not a one way street.

If I'm going to be honest, I feel as if Gateway has strengthened my bond to my family. Things were said that wouldn't otherwise have been, had I not been leaving. I love them, and they love me, but I can't be everything for them. It hurts us both to realize that, I imagine. All I can do is call, text, and mail my love and support, and trust that God will take care of my loved ones. Gateway has forced me to give my family to God, because I realize more than ever that I can't be Him for them, no matter how much I try or want to. I want healing and reconciliation for the individual people in my family, in their personal lives, and I want that to then spread to everyone, so that as a whole unit we can experience restoration. Family is so important to me and my cousins, and to see ours disintegrating before our very eyes hurts. Lord, please put the pieces back together again.