The Commons

So I busk nearly everday during the summer, and each time I go busking I take a break in the Boston Commons. It's like communing with nature time. I lay in the grass and soak up the sun, revel in whatever cool breeze passes, and I just relax. Now, I have noticed before that there were homeless people who stayed in the Commons, but I never really thought much about it. There was that one time I handed out Subways sandwhiches to some of the homeless in the park with my posse as we prepared to head off to Bryn Mawr, but that was one time. I'm finding that after Gateway it's (thankfully) a bit more difficult to ignore the homeless as I have my nature bonding time.

So, yesterday I took a busking break with my cousin. Now, probably one of the things I love most about her is her heart for the homeless. She was always the one giving her last dollar to someone, and then bumming a dollar off of me to get home (Beginning the rethink the usage of the phrase "bumming a dollar"...). As we were relaxing on a blanket, I decided to entertain myself with my guitar and a song I'm learning. This guy walks up and begins to spin at least 20 min of complete bs at me, and I'm like "seriously dude?" I knew he was homeless, though he kept himself really clean. There was almost a divide between the homeless in the commons. This man and the people he hung with seemed to be a bit older, and in some cases, more attentive to hygiene and appearances. He tried really hard to make it seem like he was a knowledgeable producer who I should be interested in working with. They listened to me sing, and I even had a duet with one of his friends. We sang that first Daughtry single, if I'm not mistaken. Now, I'm not saying I didn't take this guy seriously because he was homeless. It's just that I could tell he was bs-ing me.

While Mr. Producer had been regaling me with his connections, a man who we later learned was named Bruce came up to hit on my cousin, of all things. My first reaction was, "Well he's brave." We later learned he was just crazy. Still, all it took was that brief interaction with him to make us wonder. My cousin wanted to know his story. He had intrigued us with his confident manner of interacting with us. (He really might've thought we were homeless too. Apparently we fit right in...)

I was feeling really conflicted and my mood was turning sour. My desire to live like Christ was conflicting with my worldly cares. Was I really gonna live up to my word? There was no posse sponsoring this, and no Gateway staffworkers to look dissappointed if I dismissed them and went to the prettier section of the downtown green spaces. My cousin was feeling similarly, but together we managed to get something started.

We found him sitting with friends. As we tentatively approached, we were greeted with, "Do you want weed? Why are you here?" I was pretty surprised. A dealer even came up to us, trying to sell to us and the homeless we were with. I mean, isn't it obvious that we were just silly girls looking to hear a story? Jk, but that really sobered me, and reminded not to take anything for granted when I'm speaking to people. I know what my intentions are, but even things said or done with the best of intentions can still be taken badly.
My cousin and I stood and talked with anyone who answered. Anthony #1 didn't talk much. After he called us out as being college students he didn't interact with us much. I suspect there needs to be some healing there. Finally I pulled out my blanket and we sat with them for what had to have been hours, though time seemed to fly.

We learned about why some of them were there, and why it was taking so long for them to get back on thier feet. They were all so young! It was great talking to them because we all were ourselves. Everything felt genuine and comfortable, and something in my soul was refreshed (and perhaps also healed) through the interaction. Anthony #2 even gave me a pack of gum. I can say right now that it's quite tasty. Still, drugs were a problem. Marijuana, I think, most hindered them from getting back on thier feet as quickly as they could. Though, judging by the way Bruce scratched and complained of rocks in his veins, there might be some crystal meth, among other things being used. They were really cool, and so the plan is to chill with them tomorrow, during my busking break, and perhaps come back after I'm done for the day. My cousin even brought up the idea of spending the night. She had this plan hatching of getting a tent to set up, but I laughed at her so much she's reconsidering the tent.



Terms you may not know:

1. Busking, as far as I know it, is performing on the street, in the subways, etc. for the tips ppl. give you. Lots of fun!
2. posse- a merit based leadership scholarship program given to usually a group of ten students for each college that partners with the program. Much time in the summer before heading off to school is spent getting to know each other, so that we function as support for each other on campus. Super cool!

Reflections on Service

This year I plan to lead an LGBTQ small group. I've decided that we're going to study the gospel of Luke. I was reading through chapter five this morning (yea, I've got a ways to go...) when I was struck by verses 15 and 16: "But despite Jesus' instructions, the report of his power spread even faster, and vast crowds came to hear him preach and be healed of their diseases. But Jesus often withdrew to the wilderness for prayer." I asked myself the question, "What does this mean for my concept of service?"

Do I make enough time for prayer as I do the work God has called me to do? Unfortunately, not nearly enough. I have had problems in the past with serving service, and not the God who called me to serve. It was a direct challenge to my way of serving to see that Jesus often withdrew to pray. When I see a need, my immediate course of action is to think of ways in which I can fill it, or how I can find someone else who can. Prayer happens, but not as much as it should. I think I'm afraid that if I withdraw, then I am failing, or not doing what needs to be done. However, the time Jesus took to pray did not make him fail. On the contrary, his connection with God the Father was evidenced in everything he did, and was the sustenance he needed to fulfill his mission on earth. Perhaps I should take a cue from that. Ultimately restoration is desired for all, but I should not expect that I alone am responsible for that with every person I meet. This might explain why I'm always so overcommited. I feel that fewer but deep relationships likely do more good than many shallow ones. That doesn't mean don't talk to other people. I feel it just means be prayerful about which relationships I invest more of my time in.

Yesterday in chapter four I was struck by the fact that Simon, James, and John left what was probably their biggest catch as fishermen to follow Jesus. Can I leave a "big catch" to follow God's will? Thinking in my life, a "big catch" might be a chance for great success musically or some great academic opportunity. Or maybe even some sort of employment. I like to think that I would let go.

Home Again

I am home again, and in the bustle of everything going on, I have managed to put off blogging for a few days. It remained in the back of my mind, something I wanted to do but was not making time for. I am making time for it now.
Already I feel the weight of "things" settling, and I am reminding myself constantly to shake it off and let "things" rest where they should: on God. I am still processing from Gateway, and I daresay I will be for awhile longer. I have changed, and I long to see the world around me change as well. God really spoke to me during Gateway. It was wonderfully amazing. Now at home, my immediate goal is to maintain lifestyle changes that are much easier to live out when in a household of similarly minded people striving for similar things.
Conversations with people was the first step, and all of the ones I have had so far have been wonderfully encouraging. People are listening and connecting, and I feel that some of my family wants change.
I am really excited to see how I can continue living in a way that brings glory to God. I want to work harder to be responsible about my environmental impact, and I really want to work harder towards all around restoration. One way that God has really blessed me already is through my music. Music is powerful, and I wanted my music to be a tool for change, healing and joy. I feel that God has provided me opportunities to do so that are wonderful. My music will be in a documentary about homelessness, poverty, and an organization, Haley House, that is working towards restoration in these areas here in Boston. It's wonderful to be a part of this. I will also be performing for a Haiti Benefit. What makes me excited about these two opportunities is that they go beyond my campus, and since both will be aired on television and will be recorded, they will be able to be seen years after the first time they were viewed. I used to write as a way to cope with the trials of my life, but now I really see my music as a ministry. People respond to art in a way the they respond to few other things. I want my art to be a part of the greater picture of shalom.
Now that I am exiting Gateway physically, I want to not remove myself mentally and spiritually from that lifestyle. I want to live intentionally no matter where I am, and remain open to God so that I can continue to grow in Him, and be a part of His restoration. I will continue to update on how things are going, since if I'm truly going to live this out, everywhere is my mission field. As I prepare to go to the ends of the earth, if that's where God calls me, I want to remember this end of the earth, and allow God to use me to reach the people He wants to reach through me while I'm here.

Trusting

Hey Everyone!

I can't believe there are only two weeks left now! I'm mixed with fear and excitement. In these final days, how will God continue to meet me? What will happen after I leave here? How do I leave this place physically without disengaging mentally from what I've learned? Right now I am so anxious and so unsure of myself. Yet there is still this hope in me. Whether or not I know the end, or even the next step I know I can trust God to keep me.
This is where I no longer ignore the things I am learning about myself and the world around me. It hurts to know that I must make a decision. I can no longer live the way I used to. I can no longer look at people the way I used to. The former things have passed away. I feel more than ever the incredible difficulty of God's call to love if I attempt to do it of my own strength.
Well, I need to plan worship for chapel tomorrow. :)

Halfway Mark

I am now three weeks in to my Gateway experience, and what an experience it has been! I had my first experience of all out crying, snot running out of my nose. The whole shebang. Wonderfully therapeutic. So much has happened I don't even know where to begin with processing or talking about it.
I work at Ayuda community center, as part of the day camp, with the K-1 students. The theme this year is "Ready, Set, Go! Let's Get Fit!" so I've managed to work fruits and vegetables into the math lessons I'm teaching, and the games we play. It was so much fun coming up with lesson plans and whatnot. It's not terribly difficult to encourage K-1 students to be active :) so we're cool as far as exercise. I also get to plan a faith and fun lesson, where I will attempt to make the gospel engaging for the students. Working with the children is a blast, but it's also really tiring. I'm really trusting and hoping in God to provide the strength and energy I need to get through this. He's blessed me this past week, and so I have hope for the new one coming up.
This Monday a friend (Wes, from Swarthmore) and I will be leading worship for Chapel. Wes and I are both worship leaders on our campuses for Intervarsity. I'm looking forward to it. I absolutely love leading worship.
I get so tired because at Gateway, we're still working when we get home. We have assigned chores (not that big of a deal, depending on the week. dinner and dishes for 9 ppl sort of sucks though.), scripture study, book readings and discussion, movie viewings and discussions, work in the community followed by discussions, and just discussions for the sake of discussing. I have so much to learn, so much room to grow. It's amazing the way God has met me here. Absolutely amazing. When I felt God leading me to come here, I admit I was still a bit skeptical. Now, there's no way I can be. For me, experience is worth so much more than just head knowledge, but both are needed. Gateway has done a great job of balancing the two.
Well, it's getting late for someone with lots of little ones to entertain, so I must leave this update for later. I guess I can finish by saying how grateful I am for the people who helped to get me here. This has been a great blessing, and I've only seen the half of it!

Getting to Gateway

The clock is ticking down 'til Gateway, and along with the sense of impending doom, comes the the sense of hopeful expectation. Neither I nor my family have much money to draw from, but this urban plunge program in Philadelphia, run by InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, is requiring just about all I do and don't have by way of monetary resources.

This process is and has become painful in other ways. I can stand to part with money. It is something that comes and goes. I do not have a relationship with it, and I do not love it, as it does not love me. My family however, is a different story. No one wants me to spend the six weeks in Philadelphia this program requires. "There are people here you can help. You have three little cousins who could use your help. They miss you." Unspoken by their father, I'm assuming, is "I miss you." "You could spend your summer earning money. You can volunteer here and join a Bible Study group." My mother does say that she does not want me to leave not just everyone else, but her. She is right when she says that we hardly ever see each other now that I'm in college. This is my summer break. I should be spending it with family.

Deliberating over this process, two verses keep coming to mind. "Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?...Anyone who does God's will is my brother and sister and mother."(Mark 3:33-35, NLT)
"If you want to be my disciple you must hate everyone else by comparison--your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even your own life." (Luke 14:26 NLT)
These are tough words to swallow when you are called to actually follow them. I am very close to my mother, and I love all of my cousins dearly. As the eldest of my generation, they look up to me and count on me as support in many ways. My leaving, and then spending money to leave when we are all so poor, looks like abandonment to everyone. No one can see the good in it. It was hard for me to see it as well.

As I looked over the application process for this program, I began to realize that I needed help. I talk about reconciliation as something that is important, but it is something that I have been struggling to actually do. As an Afro-Latina, I've experienced prejudice and racism both in America and Honduras. Bottom line, it sucks and forgiveness is difficult. At Gateway, I'm going to have to face that. Racial reconciliation and social justice are the names of the game, and I'm warming up to get in. This is more than me helping the community. This is the community helping me as well. I will be living, cooking, eating, sleeping, talking, worshiping, working, and doing all manner of things with new people, and I'm excited to see the way God works in our lives.

I remember thinking yesterday, that it is easy to fall into the "me better, help you lesser" mentality when doing any type of missions work. Being from the background that I am from, I am firmly entrenched in the "me lesser" mentality. Gateway isn't going to the least of these as someone better. It is going back to the least of these as one of them. I feel so self-conscious around people who have happier backgrounds. There is almost an expectancy of affluency once one reaches the college level. I do not have it, and it sometimes makes interactions with friends awkward and uncomfortable. I make judgment calls as well, so it's not a one way street.

If I'm going to be honest, I feel as if Gateway has strengthened my bond to my family. Things were said that wouldn't otherwise have been, had I not been leaving. I love them, and they love me, but I can't be everything for them. It hurts us both to realize that, I imagine. All I can do is call, text, and mail my love and support, and trust that God will take care of my loved ones. Gateway has forced me to give my family to God, because I realize more than ever that I can't be Him for them, no matter how much I try or want to. I want healing and reconciliation for the individual people in my family, in their personal lives, and I want that to then spread to everyone, so that as a whole unit we can experience restoration. Family is so important to me and my cousins, and to see ours disintegrating before our very eyes hurts. Lord, please put the pieces back together again.